In the end
While I would love for my children to one day have kids of their own, I offer them no illusions about the reality of parenting. Suddenly (but not actually suddenly, because, let’s be real, most of us have nine months, give or take, to get used to the idea), you are no longer solely responsible for yourself and your impact on the world. Now you have to consider the life of this weird little creature who may or may not have grown inside you. Suddenly, everything you do and say impacts the both of you. You can make or break the worlds of these little people, which is both exhilarating and terrifying.
Parenting is difficult and beautiful and difficult and fun and difficult and life-changing, but you are doing the best you can, and you are doing an amazing job. I know this to be true. When you find yourself struggling (like I often do), try to remember and repeat this mantra to yourself. But absolutely do not feel bad if you completely forget the mantra in the moment. Later, when you are out of the freak-out zone, consider this---if you stripped away all the practical knowledge and survival stuff you try to teach your children and just boiled things down to the truths you want embedded when they leave your care, what would be left?
The following is a conversation I regularly have with my children about my own truths:
‘As your mom, it’s my job to help you move through the world. I know it might seem that all I do is tell you what to do or not to do. I know sometimes you don’t listen to what I say, and sometimes, to be honest, I don’t listen fully to you. In the end, I don’t care if you forget everything else I’ve taught you if you just remember these four words.
Respect: Treat people with respect, always. You don’t have to like a person to be respectful. You can respect someone’s opinions even if you don’t agree with them. We live in a world filled with other people. Respect allows us to coexist peacefully.
Kindness: Be kind. I tell my kindies that you don’t have to be everyone’s friend. There will always be people that you don’t like. But we must be kind to everyone. Kindness creates more kindness. Kindness feels good.
Empathy: You are lucky kids. You have two parents who love you. You have two homes, clothes, plenty of food, games, books and technology. You have bad days when you aren’t happy, like everyone does, but overall, things are good for you. Unfortunately, we all have our struggles, some people much more than others. Empathy is recognising how someone might be struggling and imagining how it would be to live their life and feel what they are feeling. As Brené Brown so brilliantly puts it, ‘Empathy is feeling with people.’
Love: In all that you do, lead with love. Try your best to go into situations thinking positively. I know this is a lot to ask sometimes, particularly when you’ve gotta do something you don’t want to do, or that might be difficult. But even just thinking about staying positive is a great start—fake it ‘til ya make it. If you manage to approach a hard situation with positivity, awesome, high five yourself!
Unsplash image by Breanna Louise
The Takeaway:
Articulate values to your children
in ways they can understand.
Want to know MOre?
You might want to create a family mantra (or individual mantras specific to each child) and/or a set of precepts. Do this together with your children, if you can. Once you decide on the mantra, try to repeat it often. Our family mantra is “I am lovely and amazing.” I love our mantra but I still have to remind myself of it regularly. Don’t feel bad if you don’t always embody the values you are trying to impart. You are human and imperfect.
Take a few moments to watch this short animation about the difference between empathy and sympathy from Brené Brown.
